Recovery vs. The ED
Which one do you choose?
The fact that many aspects of recovery mirrors the everyday ED dialogue strikes me as kind of ironic. I have often found the critical voice that I have found through this process mirrors the critical voice of my ED so closely that I sometimes get confused which one is shouting at me. Typical dialogue of recovery can sound like this:
Me: “I’ve added nutrition – it was a really hard thing for me to do and I struggled, but I did it because I’m dedicated to this process and want to be well.”
Recovery: “This isn’t good enough – your heart is being incredibly tachycardic, and your blood results are bad. Have you been exercising more? Going to have to stop right now if you want to avoid more intensive treatment”
Me: “But it’s is something I really love and need! Please don’t take it away – and I tried really hard to please you and do the right thing”
Recovery: “It’s not good enough – stop exercising, and we need to add more food”
Me: “So, I am restricting my activities (something I love), and forcing myself to do something that I know is going to make me feel like crap about myself? All for the promise that it shall all be better one day?”
Recovery: “It’s all part of the process”
When juxtaposed with the dialogue of an ED, there are way too many similarities to ignore.
Me: “I’ve tried really hard to cut down on food. And I’ve started doing extra exercise and compensating for more – this must be making a big difference”
ED: “Honestly, this is not good enough! You have only lost X amount – going to have to step up the effort here and stop resting during the day to burn more or you are going to get lazy and fat”
Me: “But I really need to let myself go for two seconds here and there. Please – I tried really hard to please you and do the right thing”
ED: “It’s not good enough, in order to be better you need to cut down more and work harder”
Me: “So, I’m pushing myself to eat less for a hope that I may make these bad feelings go away and feel ok about myself for a bit? Despite the fact I’m exhausted right now?”
ED: “It’s all part of the process”
See the similarities? The constant roadblocks, frustrations and proofs that your body is ‘struggling’, or your behaviors are ‘worrying’ in recovery leads to just as much of a dialogue as does the constant roadblocks and frustrations in the fruitless attempts to get ‘thinner’. Only this time, you are also meant to deal with the emotions that hit like a truck in recovery due to no longer being able to numb them out. Maybe this makes it a little bit more understanding why there are so many bouts of ‘I just can’t do this anymore’ and ‘screw it, this doesn’t make things any better I’m going to do what I want’. But then the whole cyclic and never ending cycle starts up again when you finally seek relief through behaviors only to find that medical problems can get worse, and health professionals are pushing to get you back onto the recovery road (either through reasoned argument or hospital).
This never ending and exhausting cycle has led me on many occasions to pull my hair out and want to run away screaming that I will never see another health professional or worried friend ever again. The very act of being in recovery, though, usually means that as soon as you try to turn your back for a few minutes on the process you realize how much you actually can’t do it alone.
You now have all these crazy emotions – what on earth is that all about? Your still a newborn child when it comes to coping with it – may need someone to help you through hey? Or, I know that what I am doing to my body is wrong but I’m also exhausted and can’t do this eating thing anymore. The internal shouting match and anxiety attack every mealtime is getting too much to deal with, so can’t make those decisions for myself right now! Sigh – guess I am going to have to listen to that doctor and dietitian because I just need that safety net for my own exhausted brain to not completely break down into despair and return to the ED land, letting my body to slowly disappear.
As time has gone on I have begun to appreciate, rather than resent, the fact that there are people around me who care enough to pick me up when I am struggling. It is incredibly frustrating and sometimes painful when all that is wanted is to numb out whatever is going on in life, but it keeps me safe and well enough to live life when things start to improve again. I think that’s something that relapse or reverting completely back to the blank world of restriction would not allow. Yes, it would help me through that tough time – and I may begin to feel better for a bit. But what about when suddenly, a new job crops up, or I want to try something new or have the hope that things may be changing for the better? Instead of just being able to say ‘hey, that was a pretty crap time – this may turn out to turn it around and be pretty cool’ I would be stuck with a brain that goes ‘nnnnnnn (*static noise*), no food allowed – this feeling of floating and numbness is fine the feelings that come with food would be too overwhelming.... nnnnnnn”. And I would also probably be in hospital. Fun! (Not).
Also, being picked up again, and again has allowed me to slowly begin to see that maybe the ‘recovery’ voice is so similar to the ‘ED’ voice because it has been warped to be the same. Every person has some sort of an internal critic – and just because suddenly you are now in recovery does not magically change the way that you talk to yourself. This makes it incredibly easy to not see why getting exhausted and losing motivation in recovery is so easy. What are we working towards? We don’t understand how this shall ‘make everything better’ - the voices still yell, the emotions are worse and recovery is something that is being failed just as much as the goals of ED were failed.
I am master at convincing myself I am doing everything recovery is asking of me – eating that damn food, trying to do what the team asks, and then getting frustrated and demotivated when things never seem to move. Then, when something happens in life that seems difficult to deal with it’s just a little bit too easy to revert to what works.
I hate to admit it considering how blooming hard it is, but instead what else could be said? “I’ve had a really hard day today, and food has been difficult, but just because this is difficult for me does not mean that I am a bad person or not good at recovery”. My favorite at the moment is “shut up critic I’m having a really bad day and you are not making it any better – get stuffed!”.
The problem I have found, though, is that often restriction (sometimes for safety’s sake) has got to be met with restriction. Instead of telling myself that I wasn’t allowed to rest, or eat then I often found myself in a situation where I was being told I wasn’t allowed to exert myself too much – needed to be checked in with, and treated with suspicion. I get it – I really do! There really is no other way sometimes, and this was done all in the name of safety and care. But at the same time – for those with this freedom taken away, then there has to be an appreciation that it is a process of deprivation, whether it is required or not. And through this understanding, appreciate that in some ways, treatment itself may actually be reinforcing these negative restrictive patterns for some time. I don’t know a way around this yet – if someone needs that support then it can be the only available route – but it is my belief that acknowledging that this IS a flaw in the process is important in continuing to improve our outcomes.
Long term – freedom is needed! It is the only way to break that restrictive and punishing pattern. Mistakes probably will be made – and support is needed when inevitably this happens to help catch it, put in healthy boundaries - and put up with the tantrums. I hate to liken this journey to being a child with it simply because I don’t want to reinforce the idea of being ‘sick’ or needing ‘handling’ - but the process of letting go, but being a stable base is a good metaphor for those who have people in recovery in their lives so I’m rolling. I have never had to worry about judgment with the incredible people I have been lucky enough to have help me anyway. It is so incredibly important to have those people – treating team, friends, or family – doesn't matter. Non-judgmentally allowing life in recovery to be experimented with, and lived – but there to help when falling is so important. Not just for those in recovery either – every person has hard times, and needs help sometimes – and giving help often facilitates care and support in return. I hope that I have the opportunity to give as much back to my friends and supports as they have given me. If an eating disorder is lonely and cold and calculated, then allowing this to happen is colorful and bright and raw – and in such is the complete opposite. And makes it just that bit easier to fight back against that dialogue!